


A Heart One Would Never Expect

by Xin0Lan



Series: You Have Always Counted [11]
Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms, Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle
Genre: F/M, Sherlock's Violin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-25
Updated: 2015-11-25
Packaged: 2018-12-30 15:32:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12111789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xin0Lan/pseuds/Xin0Lan
Summary: Sherlock is cold and stoic. He is without the capability of showing emotion-at least that is what everyone saw, but few people have ever heard him showcase his musical talent. Music is what feelings sound like. Music needs emotions, or it is nothing more than noise scratching. My Estella. NO slash, vulgarity. Frequently referenced in WATCHING OVER EACH OTHER. Can be read alone.





	1. This is Music to Me

MUSIC

Music is what feelings sound like. Music needs emotions, or it is nothing more than noise scratching away in the background of life.

A rubbish sentimental notion I thought to myself, who would ever bother with comparing emotions and music together, there are far more important things to care about than information like that?

I am above my emotions; my emotions do not rule my consciousness. If I allow my emotions free range, then I would be no better than the average blokes milling around London off on their own personal affairs. Caring is not an advantage, it never was and never will be. All it will bring is heartache, sorrow, and enough tears to fill a bottomless pit. A heart's sole purpose is to mediate the exchange of blood and oxygen throughout the body, nothing more and nothing less. So why do people say their heart wailed in anguish or shouted joyfully at times?

This fact I could not understand until the first time I drew my bow over my violin letting the strings sing in exultation.

My Violin. My Estella. My shining star. She taught me the values of emotions. They are not a curse bestowed upon humanity, they are a beautiful gift.

I have always thought of emotions as a dastardly curse upon the human race. When emotions make the final decision; it almost always involves the after effect of feeling regret. Lives are ruined, promises are broken; countless tears are shed from ones letting sentiment cloud sound judgement. People claim to 'just follow your heart', I have never heard more illogical sentimental rubbish than those exact words. Do people not understand just how deceiving and treacherous the heart is capable of being? It turns the mind blind and deaf to logic and reason! The term 'heart' does not mean the literal organ that keeps us alive, but rather it is the sentimental thoughts that are being collectively termed "heart". This synecdoche of 'heart' is the downfall of the human race. We are doomed.

Not for a single moment I would allow my heart be swayed in making life decisions, but only in music alone I could give my heart authority to reign over logic. Within music there lies an unexplainable source of energy and feeling that can only be expressed through sound alone, not by words. Melodies, harmonies, and counterpoints all this unique indescribable quality to govern sentimental thoughts.

Music is a powerful force; it has this uncanny ability to bring the toughest of men to tears. When my Estella sang, her voice shattered those barriers I had built around my feelings. I thought those barriers were impenetrable, no words or actions ever came close to even denting the wall. However, single-handedly, Estella dashed it beyond any hope of rebuilding it simply with a single note.

Elegance was not something I associated with music before I learned to play the violin. It was merely a series of varying pitches held in varying lengths of time comprised together and given a title. How could anyone bother themselves with thinking about music and how it made them feel? Feelings are irrelevant, not necessary for life; they only pollute the mind with unwanted and distracting thoughts. I was wrong, more wrong than I had ever been. I have learned now that sentimental emotions are valuable to us as humans.

Granted, some feelings are harmful to us whilst other comforts us. When my Estella sings to me with her enchanting sweet voice, there is a part of my mind that becomes trapped, as if stuck in a trance, replaying the notes over and over. The notes flow through my mind not as individual pitches, but as a powerful force taking control of my fingers and bow. I feel my heart pound loudly during a loud and boisterous section of a piece taking the lead of my thoughts. My body dances as the melody climbs joyfully up the fingerboard closer and closer to the bridge of the violin. On the other hand, when the music is slow and peaceful I sway gently in rhythm to the soft lullabies, as if I were singing myself to sleep.

Music is beautiful. It has the ability to changes things words could never accomplish. It changed me. Music is not just a compilation of sounds, it has personality. If it were merely just tones and pitches there would be no meaning to the notes, it would just only be heard as a dull monotonous drone. Music taught me sentiment isn't something to be chained away deep in the figurative heart. Music taught me this figurative heart isn't always treacherous. Just follow my heart and let Music lead my mind then magical things happen to the notes. Music taught me emotions are the essence of human beings. They may blind us at times, but they are the guiding force in other times. Music is powerful, passionate, captivating, and awe-inspiring.

But most importantly, Music taught me what feelings sound like. Music needs emotions, or it is nothing more than noise scratching away in the background of life.

A-N: The next chapter followers a similar theme.  
This is short detour in my writing from the multicahpter stories. "In Whose Eyes" and "Watching Over Each Other". Both are completed works now.


	2. A Blessing or A Curse? Part I

Music is what feelings must sound like. 

I am above my emotions; my emotions do not rule my consciousness. If I allow myself emotions free range then I would be no better than the blokes milling around London off on their own personal affairs. Caring is not an advantage, it never was and never will be. All it will bring is heartache, sorrow and enough tears that could not produce any more. A heart's sole purpose is to mediate the exchange of blood and oxygen throughout the body, nothing more and nothing less. So why does the heart cry out in anguish at times? I did not understand until I played my first note on my violin.

I sought solace in my music. I chose the violin after I heard passed by a small quartet rehearsing outside on the streets. The violin was the most elegant sound I'd ever heard. From that moment on, I begged and pleaded until my Mother and Father bought me a Stradivarius. I would never admit to this, but I am eternally grateful for their gift. The violin and bow were very expensive, but rightly so. Stradivarius instruments are next to non-existent. This violin was varnished in deep roan colour; it almost looked red at times when the sunlight beamed on it correctly. As for the bow, it also was a masterpiece. The bow had the whitest horsehair ever possible, and inside the frog was nestled a glimmering piece of shell. It never ceases to amaze me how beautiful this instrument is.

This violin was varnished in deep roan colour; it almost looked red at times when the sunlight beamed on it correctly. As for the bow, it also was a masterpiece. The bow had the whitest horsehair ever possible, and inside the frog was nestled a glimmering piece of shell. It never ceases to amaze me how beautiful this instrument is. With this beautiful woodwork at my side constantly I took lessons from a well-known master of the various stringed instruments and learned quickly. He taught me how to let my emotions run through my music. If I had learned nothing else from my countless years with him it was this one fact: Music is what feelings sound like. Music needs emotion or it is nothing more that noise in the background of life.

Now as I have moved on and many changes had happened, the one thing to have kept me from going insane was my violin. If I didn't have my music then I would have been on the streets living in the Tube at night and scraping around for a meagre existence or had died by the hands of the many enemies I made- honestly unintentional most of the time.

When my parents passed away each in their respective time, I played for days constantly, ignoring that my fingers were bleeding from pressing on the strings or that my right arm had started to ache from holding the bow. That pain seemed superficial compared to what I felt. First my father whose health had failed him at last, then my mother's, I thought sorrow would have been more bearable in my mother's time since I knew what it felt like with my father's. It was hardly the case at all! Why!? I had beaten that question to no end. A void I know that will never be able to fill again, I loved my parents. Yes, I have a heart, a loving heart. I know my parents loved me even though I never once heard the word 'love' or 'affection' come from their speech. They had an unusual way of showing affection, it was through tangible objects- my violin. I played every slow piece I had ever learnt. The Requiem by Mozart seemed to help soothe my heartache the most. 

"He's writing sad music. Doesn't eat, barely talks, only to correct the television. I'd say he was heart-broken, but, well he's Sherlock. He does all that anyway." I overheard John once comment about my music.

SEE PART II

A-N: Please note this is posted well before the airing of series 2. I had taken liberties before the parental figures were introduced in the show.


	3. A Blessing or A Curse? Part II

Part II

Mycroft had become cold and distant. His laughter change into a cold and heartless one and he barely smiled. A small curve would form on his lips, but even then it was forced and used as a last resort when discussing diplomacy. His way of coping through the great loss, I believe. He wanted nothing of those memories, neither did I. He was never one for much emotion anyway. Father and he were close, always talking about the political aspects whilst Mother and I would visit the library and read books on all sorts of subjects. She encouraged me to read as it kept a fist out of my face most of the time and my mouth shut. I couldn't stand politics; I knew I would never match up to their level. We as the Holmes lineage were raise not to show emotion. It was the downfall of the human race. It would hinder our way as we carried on in life. Mycroft was successful and held a high position in the government because he learned to become detached to the world. Faking sentiment for political gains soon became second nature to my dear brother. How I wish he would drop the shield and let me in, just like when we were children. Though we were raised to behave as adult since the day we were born, Mycroft and I would find time to act as children should. To have fun. To play and roll around in the dirt. To not wear a suit in our every waking moment. For once just to have on a simple shirt and trousers on, those were the best of times.

I am above my emotions; my emotions do not rule my consciousness. Caring is not an advantage, it never was and never will be. The only one power to dispute that fact would be Music. My Violin. My Heart. Through the power of music I could let my emotions run freely. John once said that to hear me play was to hear my heart, my essence, not just my mind speak. I believe it is so. I dare not show sentiment for that is a sign of weakness. I would be thought of anything except weak.

Though it is a curse most of the time, these emotions I have come to understand that us as mere humans have receive this blessed curse: Feelings. A blessed curse so strong even I cannot fight it at times. My violin is the one thing in life that has remained faithful to me before I met John. Now I have John and my violin. The two things I treasure the most. I have the utmost confidence John will not desert me.

The thing is, without my violin, I would be just as the world saw me a man without a heart. Merely just A Freak, A Psychopath, The Weirdo, The Machine...basically a man cold and distant from the world. I have a literal heart which keeps me alive, but to keep my figurative heart living I need music. My Estella.

Thank you for reading!   
A-N: The original posting can be found on fan fiction site under the same username as this one. More multi-chapter works are located there. I'm slowly adding those stories into this site-  
some have already been posted here. Please be patient. Thank you.


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